Pregnancy is a wonderful time in the life of a new parent. It can be overwhelming but the joy of having your newborn far outweighs the struggles. But what happens when you experience loss during your pregnancy? Whether someone experiences grief because of an abortion or loss through miscarriage, stillbirth or losing a baby after birth, grief is real. It can often be misunderstood and treated differently than any other grief.
It is important to understand that while the world of psychology has adopted a general model of the stages of grief, it is an individual experience and must be viewed as such. It is unique to each person and no pattern of grief is wrong as long as it does not become destructive to yourself or anyone else. The five stages of grief are as follows:
1- Denial
2- Anger
3- Bargaining
4- Depression
5- Acceptance
While loss during a pregnancy will mimic the stages of grief, it may manifest itself differently depending on how that loss occurs. There are similarities but some stark differences that need to be processed by each person who suffers this distinct loss.
As a society, we must understand that there are different types of losses that can take place within a pregnancy and it is important to look at each one and how grief may affect someone working through that type of loss. The most common types of pregnancy loss include:
- Miscarriage
This loss can happen at any stage of the pregnancy and may go unnoticed, be discovered through cramping, bleeding or spontaneous miscarriage, or through ultrasound that detects the absence of a heartbeat.
- Ectopic Pregnancy
This is usually discovered through either severe physical and serious medical symptoms or ultrasound discovery. If you experience any symptoms such as severe cramping, abdominal pain, vaginal bleeding- please contact your doctor or go to the emergency room immediately.
- Stillbirth
This loss presents itself either during an ultrasound discovery and the mother will deliver the child who has already passed or discovered during the delivery of the child.
- Neonatal Loss
This occurs when a child is born prematurely and/or with medical conditions that they baby cannot survive or dies from SIDS or other conditions undetected during the pregnancy or after birth.
- Selective Abortion
This loss takes place when the mother chooses to terminate the pregnancy before the child is born.
Thoughts to consider
Many of us get to spend time with our loved ones- creating memories and forming bonds that keep the deceased person close to us long after the death. We hold funerals or cremations, have a memorial service, and place ashes in our homes or lay flowers on graves. Those physical objects can be viewed to remind us of the person we cherish. Our senses can remind us of memories with our loved one that can create a sense of sadness but also envelope us in peace and comfort. When a mother loses her child through miscarriage or abortion before she can physically create a bond through pictures, holding her baby, or with the absence of a memorial service for the child; there is often not a chance for the mother to create memories or even have a sense of closure from her loss.
Some women may go through the process of delivering their stillborn child. This woman may go through labor the same as any other pregnant woman, only to see the lifeless child who will never cry, hold her finger, suckle at the breast, take their first steps, graduate, and grow up to have a life of their own. Another woman may deliver her child, begin to create a bond only to have the child die days, weeks or months after birth; prematurely of the life they had envisions for their baby.
What about the woman who tried repeatedly to get pregnant, and infertility is diagnosed? What about the woman who heroically chooses adoption at a time she cannot care for the infant due to life circumstances? Persons unable to bear their own child or the mother who hands her child over to someone else to raise may grieve just as deeply as anyone else.
On the outside, those suffering loss in the forms of pregnancy-related issues may vary widely. Some are blatantly stoic; others have a difficult time making it through simple daily tasks. Some grieving occurs immediately and completes the cycle. Some people are triggered later in life by small or large events that allow the locked away, suppressed memories to emerge.
If you are or have suffered the loss of a child, please know that the grieving process is unique and important. Whatever your grief may look like, know that it is okay to mourn your child how you need to. Be patient with yourself and work through the process in your own timing; but also understand that your loss will never go away. It will just distance itself and ebb and flow throughout your life; each new phase requires adjustments and different coping skills.
Grief in pregnancy can feel overwhelming, especially when you see others around you pregnant or having their babies. If you are struggling to work through the grieving process, please tell someone you need help; finding support is essential to helping you heal. If you or a loved one find that you need more support than a trusted family member or friend, please seek out a trusted medical professional or contact your local pregnancy center for resources to help you through this process. The staff and volunteers at the PLC Health Clinic are here to help you through this journey. Please contact us at www.plchealthclinic.org or 419-238-9177 to schedule an appointment.
*Sources available upon request
