There is nothing quite as antagonistic as the emotions of a pregnant mother grieving over the loss of another child either to miscarriage, abortion or infant death.
A mother may be overjoyed at the news of another life on the way while also wrestling with the anxiety and grief over losing her other child/children.
The last thing a pregnant woman wants to do is spend her entire pregnancy worried about the health of her unborn child while also possibly still navigating her way through grief; while also possibly having to care for those around her.
So often, women feel an unspoken need or duty to be strong for everyone around them and to pretend as if everything is fine. They forget that the stages of grief are not only necessary but also healthy to work through. They also forget that it is necessary and healthy to enjoy the current pregnancy that they have been blessed with. What happens more often than not is that the two collide and it is difficult for the mother to enter that delicate dance of working through both at the same time.
Grieving the loss of your child is important. Finding joy throughout your pregnancy is important. Both are difficult. We wanted to give some healthy ways to navigate through these emotions of anxiety, anger, joy, fear, exhaustion, anticipation and grief during your pregnancy.
- Extend grace to yourself
You must allow yourself to experience all of the highs and lows of pregnancy after loss. Do not feel guilty if one minute you are experiencing excitement for the pregnancy and the next minute you are crying over the loss of what never was. Take time to work through emotions when you need to and know and understand that there is no one way to go through a pregnancy after you have lost another child. It is a unique kind of grief, a unique kind of experience, and unique to each individual who walks this path.
2. Connect with others
For some this looks like a grief support group and for others it’s simply about surrounding yourself with those that understand what you are going through or those that you love. Find what works for you and what helps guide you through the roller coaster of emotions. As odd as it seems, sometimes the best medicine for a grieving mama heart is to hear from someone who knows what you are feeling and can help you by simply listening.
3. Set aside the guilt
All too often, those that grieve feel a level of guilt for how they work through the grieving process. It is crucial to accept that it is a personal process and one must not allow others to tell you how to work through it or make you feel bad about it. If it makes them feel uncomfortable please leave that burden with them hands to deal with and do not take it personally. It is important to understand that sometimes even those closest to you will not be able to give you the solace or support that you need. This may be a season of outgrowing relationships or learning to grow in them. The loss of a child is a subject that hurts the hearts of everyone the child touched and it leaves people struggling to know how to help or what to say. But never feel guilty for feeling what you feel as the grieving mother.
4. Speak life over yourself and your unborn child
It is important that even in the times of not feeling joy or positivity that you speak words of affirmation and remind yourself that there is a child growing and thriving inside your belly. Each time you go to the doctor, cling to a few words of encouragement that he may express concerning your pregnancy. Ask others to speak words of affirmation over your pregnancy and the journey that you are on. It is natural to not always feel joyful even in a regular pregnancy. Every mother has her concerns and anxiety in pregnancy; yet with loss it is heightened and difficult to overcome some days. Speaking life over yourself and baby will drown out the negative noise.
5. Treat yourself to self-care
Healing comes when we take care of ourselves; body, mind and spirit. There are many ways one can do this, but it is necessary for a mother to incorporate self-care into her daily life. First and foremost, eat healthy, move your body and renew your spirit and soul. Find things that help you decompress and unwind on a regular basis. Journaling, walking, painting, reading, getting massages or facials; whatever it is that can help you take care of you and find yourself replenished once again. This will not only allow you to enjoy your pregnancy but will also help work you through your grief.
6. Become your own advocate
Anxiety in pregnancy after loss is an important emotion to acknowledge. If you ever feel that a loved one or a health care provider is not validating these feelings that you are struggling with, speak up. Do not allow anyone to dismiss that which you are feeling and ask for help. Find those that will reassure you as you work through your pregnancy and cling to hope and joy through them when needed. If anything feels off, do not hesitate to go get checked out. Do whatever you need to do to ease your mind and allow yourself to enjoy your pregnancy.
Wrap Up
At the PLC Health Clinic, we work hard to make sure that every mother feels security and support within her pregnancy. Our trained staff can provide grief counseling to mothers that have experienced the loss of a child and are struggling to understand the process of pregnancy after loss. Please contact us at 419-238-9177 or www.plchealthclinic.org if you believe you could benefit from our services for you and your unborn child.
*sources available upon request
